"Intruder's" Painless Oil Change
Thanks to "Intruder" for posting this on the Intruder Alert Board.

Start early Sunday morning, so you don't feel pressured and will be sure to finish in time for ride with friends

2) Search for Owner's Manual; make note to buy one later

3) Warm engine (not hot) and park bike over a large piece of cardboard (newspaper can substitute, you won't have time to read it anyway)

4) Position oil pan beneath crankcase of motorcycle

5) Remove oil filler cap and place on floor where it can't fall off and roll under a cabinet

6) Try to loosen oil drain plug with your wrench which is closest to the proper size

7) If your last service was done at a shop with a young, strong apprentice mechanic, get a piece of pipe to put over the wrench handle for more leverage.

8) Borrow large vice-grips (locking pliers), apply to stripped oil drain plug head and loosen plug until it can be turned by hand.

9) Turn plug out slowly by hand until oil starts to seep out... then turn it out as fast as you can to remove it before the hot oil becomes unbearable.

10) As quickly as possible, re-position oil pan under crankcase so the oil is no longer pouring out onto the floor

11) Try not to drip too much oil on floor walking to corner of garage to get rags, wipe oil off hands

12) Look for more newspapers... if necessary get some of your wife's old towels (more on this later) to mop up excess oil from garage floor

13) Using an ordinary hammer and the minimum force necessary, pound your longest screwdriver through the oil filter to obtain the leverage required to break loose the overtightened threads of the filter (see reference to young technician, Step 7).

14) Remove oil filter, which will then remind you to re-position pan to receive the remainder of the oil; check to make sure you didn't drive the screwdriver through the crankcase

15) Crank starter to scavenge the last little bit of oil, trying not to knock over bike in your haste to shut the engine off before permanent damage occurs

16) Remove, install cap and clean your oil drain pan (and the mess on the floor)

17) Go to buy replacement oil and filter, dumping your drain pan at a recycle facility on the way

18) Returning home, place a little oil on the filter gasket and install filter

19) Place funnel in oil filler hole and pour oil carefully into funnel, this will remind you that you haven't re-installed the oil drain plug.

20) Clean up mess and look for oil drain plug; shortly you will recall that you dropped it into the oil drain pan due to the 'WARM' oil.

21) Look in oil drain pan and shake vigorously until assured it does not contain drain plug

22) Go to recycle center to be assured plug is not retrievable

23) Buy another quart of oil while you're out

24) Call friends and inform them of child's illness which prevents you from riding with them today

25) After work on Monday (Tuesday if your bike dealer is closed on Monday) go to bike shop and buy new oil drain plug...they always have some in stock for just this reason.

26) While there, surreptitiously practice with a torque wrench to see what 18 ft.lbs. feels like

27) Arriving home, install oil drain plug and tighten to approximately the feeling you remember from 25) above

28) Put in 4 quarts of oil, plus a little left-over in the can you tried to put in Sunday

29) Look for oil filler cap; after searching thoroughly in the garage, go out to trash can to search through oily papers and wife's old towels (more on this later), remember that trash was picked up this morning.

30) Rush back to bike shop hoping someone will still be there

31) Tuesday (or Wednesday, as the case may be), go to bike shop after work and buy new oil filler cap...they always have some in stock for just this reason.

32) Go home, install oil filler cap and start engine; ride bike for short distance

33) Pull into garage and check under bike for leaks, tighten oil filter and oil drain plug until seepage stops; DO NOT OVERTIGHTEN.

34) Call friends and explain you can't go riding Sunday because you will be taking a cruise with your wife... to appease her for ruining her family heirloom towels.

These are the steps I follow... hopefully, this has been some help. Performance improves with practice; after many years of experience I can now perform this work in as little as two dozen steps. Good luck!


  Thanks for the laughs, my friend!  


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